Santa’s Little Secret Service

Operation Yule Storm

Published December 23, 2009 Security Deployment 8 Comments
Tags: 12th Nut, Operation Yule Storm, Santacon 2009, SPS

On Saturday December 12, 2009, the Santa authorized the first ever deployment of Santa’s Defense Forces in San Francisco. The code name for this mission was Operation Yule Storm.

12th Nutcracker soldiers in action, San Francisco. Photo by Green Kozi

In years past, Santa’s Little Secret Service has provided security for San Francisco’s Santacon. However in the Fall of 2009, Santa’s Little Intelligence Service Team (LIST) detected alarming signal intelligence from Santa’s enemies indicating an extreme security risk to the Santa during his annual visit to San Francisco. Following standard North Pole protocol for situations of extreme danger, the Bureau of Special Christmas Operations handed over security responsibilities to Santa’s Defense Forces.

Santa’s Nutcracker Command (NutCom) mustered a Christmas expeditionary force under the command of Captain EDW Pine Nut of the illustrious 12th Nutcracker Regiment.

The Christmas Expeditionary force:

Capt. EDW Pine Nut of the 12th Nutcracker. The elite "12th Nut" is Santa's personal bodyguard detachment and provides both ceremonial and combat support to the Santa. Photo by Ed Hunsinger

Reindeer Command (ReinCom) provided a Sleigh Liaison Officer from the 103rd Sleighborne Division to ensure close cooperation with air assault and sleighvac units as needed. Photo by Ed Hunsinger

The Joint Christmas Certainty Command (J-CCC), which oversees the Santa's special forces units, embedded fairy operators from the North Pole's most elite and secretive unit, the mysterious Sugar Plum Service (SPS.) Photo by Steve Rhodes

The orders for Operation Yule Storm:

Ensure Christmas Certainty
Provide escort and close protection detail for the Santa and other North Pole High Value Persons
Liaise as needed with local officials and tribal leaders
engage in “hearts and minds” campaign with civilians, while searching for the enemies of the Santa
subject enemies of the Santa to extraordinary rendition
coordinate close sleigh support and sleighvac as required
fire only if fired upon

Numbering 16 Nutcrackers, Reindeer, and Sugar Plum Fairies, the Operation Yule Storm force deployed at the start of San Francisco’s Santacon at 1212 hrs in Civic Center Plaza. Despite a harrowing rainstorm, the SDF units escorted Santa downtown to Union Square without incident. While the 12th Nutcracker performed escort duties, SPS fairy operators undertook special missions including interrogating civilians, light extraordinary rendition, and close protection of VIPs such as Jesus and Frank Chu.

SPS and 12th Nutcracker soldiers provide close protection for Jesus, Civic Center Plaza. Photo by Ed Hunsinger

The SDF units were armed with the 3C modular weapons system–a family of candy cane-based small arms ranging from the CCP candy cane pistol to the awe-inspiring CCSW candy cane support weapon. Strict rules of engagement and the professionalism of Santa’s troops prevented any live fire incidents, even during the course of bomb attacks by the Unicorn Bomber (defused successfully by SPS fairy operators.)

12th Nutcracker troops in the Castro Santa Safe Zone. Photo by Ed Hunsinger

In the afternoon, the Christmas expeditionary force deployed in the Castro, forming a Santa Safe Zone on the corner of Market and Castro streets (video by embedded press Ed Hunsinger.) 12th Nut and SPS combined squads deployed outside the safe zone to escort small groups of Santa safely into the Castro. At around 1600 hrs SPS fairy operators detected and forcibly detained the Unicorn Bomber in the first failed bombing attempt at Santacon.

As night fell, SPS fairy operators switched on night vision goggles and Operation Yule Storm forces escorted a group of about 50 Santa to the Lower Haight Drink Inclusion Zone.

12th Nutcracker soldiers provide perimeter security as Santa moves toward Lower Haight. Photo by Zachary Lara

On the way, Santa’s troops briefly occupied a Christmas Tree Lot on Market Street, but were unable to find evidence of illicit tree trafficking or other tree crimes. The Santa wishes to extend apologies to Delancey Street Tree Lot for “light extraordinary rendition and ornament grenade blasts.”

After successfully escorting Santa to the Lower Haight Drink Inclusion Zone, Operation Yule Storm officially came to a close. All mission goals were met or exceeded by Santa’s Defense Forces and Santa’s enemies were effectively neutralized. As the Christmas Operational Window approaches, soldiers of the 12th Nutcracker, 103rd Sleighborne, and Sugar Plum Service are hard at work around the world ensuring Christmas Certainty and the safety and security of the Santa. Their duty is a necessary evil and they fight for nothing less than Christmas itself.

The Operation Yule Storm photo gallery. The rest of the photos.

The Santa extends special thanks to the embedded press corps: Ed Hunsinger, Zachary Lara, and Tomas Puig

The Operation Yule Storm Christmas expeditionary force. Photo by Ed Hunsinger

North Pole Acknowledges Troop Deployment in SF

Published December 14, 2009 Message to the Public Leave a Comment
Tags: 12th Nut, Santacon 2009

Soldiers of the 12th Nutcracker regiment and unspecified additional personnel in action. Photo by Steve Rhodes

The Office of the Santa has confirmed that a combined force including the elite 12th Nutcracker Regiment as well as unspecified special forces units were deployed on December 12th in San Francisco as part of this year’s Santacon. The deployment was code-named Operation Yule Storm.

The Santa has, as yet, not addressed persistent rumors by international observers and military experts that a secret special operations unit made up of Sugar Plum fairies was also present in San Francisco.

Photo documentation of Operation Yule Storm can be found on the Santa’s Little Secret Service photo pool. The Bureau of Special Christmas Operations has indicated further details will be forthcoming. The US State Department, citing a longstanding and informal agreement with the Santa, has declined to comment on the deployment of North Pole forces on United States territory.

What is “Christmas Certainty?”

Published November 13, 2009 Message to the Public 3 Comments
Tags: christmas certainty

Agents of Santa’s Little Secret Service ensuring Christmas Certainty. Photo by Mitch Aidelbaum photography

Due to a number of inquiries the Service has agreed to discuss a core North Pole tenet: Christmas Certainty.

Christmas Certainty: Santa’s Sacred Responsibility
The annual nature of Christmas does not account for wars, no fly zones, natural disasters, or other world events that might impede the safe and timely occurrence of the holiday. And yet, for two millenia, Christmas has occurred without interruption. This is no accident: over the years an extensive North Pole infrastructure has been developed to ensure that despite any conceivable problem, Christmas will occur each and every year. This critical aspect of Christmas operations is what we call “Christmas Certainty.”

The Elvish Agencies
A number of key agencies in the North Pole work to ensure Christmas Certainty. The Elves, with their penchant for bureaucracy, established the Christmas Operations Directorate (COD) which oversees all Elvish Christmas Certainty efforts. A large part of the COD is logistics-gift fulfillment, coal disbursement, complex supply chains and the like. But safety and security are no less important, and for this the Elves founded the Bureau of Special Christmas Operations (BOSCO), an umbrella agency that includes Santa’s Little Secret Service and several other Elvish security and intelligence organizations. They ensure the personal security of the Santa and provide intelligence critical to Christmas Certainty operations.

Plan B: Santa’s Defense Forces
Sometimes Christmas Certainty requires more than security and logistical support. The North Pole is politically neutral and avoids conflict as a matter of course; but when quiet diplomacy fails the Santa may resort to a military option: Santa’s Defense Force (SDF.) The SDF is divided into two commands: Nutcracker Command (NutCom) and Reindeer Command (ReinCom), encompassing both land and air forces respectively. The Nutcracker soldiers in Santa’s regiments are highly trained and fiercely loyal to the Santa. They specialize in precision ground operations occurring mainly during the yearly Christmas Operational Window. The most elite unit is the legendary 12th Nutcracker Regiment, Santa’s personal guard and a highly mobile special forces unit in its own right. The Nutcrackers of the so-called “12th Nut” are hand-picked from NutCom and are always ready to deploy when the Santa or his interests are in danger. The fighting Reindeer of ReinCom are organized into Santa’s aerial sleigh squadrons including the 1st Sleigh Squadron, Santa’s elite personal sleigh transport unit. Lesser known are the combat units, including the 99th Sleigh Attack Squadron and the highly mobile air assault unit, the 103rd Sleighborne Regiment.

The Last Resort: Santa’s Scalpel
The increasing complexity of world politics has necessitated a third facet of Christmas Certainty-highly secretive North Pole special forces units. Specializing in delicate intelligence and direct action operations on foreign soil, these units are the unseen hand of the Santa and are widely speculated to be the main reason for the continued celebration of Christmas in territories where the holiday is officially condemned by religious or secular leaders.

The Santa does not comment publicly on these units or their operations–and likely never will. Reports circulated amongst various security officials throughout the world of a black operations unit made up entirely of Sugar Plum Fairies are unsubstantiated.

Christmas IS Coming
The extensive infrastructure and expertise devoted to Christmas Certainty should reassure the general public: even in dangerous times, Christmas is coming. You can be certain of it.

Agent Partridge
Santa’s Little Secret Service

Santa is coming

Published October 11, 2009 Message to the Public Leave a Comment
Tags: Santacon 2009

Security preparations are underway for Santa’s arrival in San Francisco. Details are confidential but the date has been released. Santa is coming December 12, 2009.

Diplomatic Mission: Operation Enduring Cottontail

Published April 17, 2009 Diplomatic Deployment 1 Comment
Tags: Easter Bunny, motorcade, video

Upon special request by the Office of the Santa, the protective mission of Santa’s Little Secret Service extends to other Pagan-Christian holiday VIPs. Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have maintained close diplomatic relations ever since the Constantinople Incident of 321 AD. In light of this longstanding cooperation, the Office of the Santa once again asked the Service to protect the Easter Bunny (codename COTTONTAIL) during its Easter Sunday visit to San Francisco. The mission codename: Operation Enduring Cottontail

Envoys for the Bunny first relayed the sacred rabbit’s desire to tour San Francisco and take part in the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence 30th Anniversary some two months ago. Security preparations began immediately under the skilled command of Agent Partridge-in-a-Pear-Tree. Agent Partridge is the Detail Commander of the Special Personal Security Division of the Service-the unit assigned to protect none other than the Santa himself.

On Easter Sunday, the Service deployed an armored two-car motorcade featuring a convertible (codename BASKET) for the Bunny and a chase vehicle for the security team. The Bunny was ushered from a Mission District safe house to the waiting motorcade and the tour of San Francisco began. The security team quickly realized that discretion would be impossible as passersby shrieked and yelled at the Bunny and drivers blatantly ignored traffic laws in order to take photos with their cell phones. Despite this complication, the Bunny embarked upon a whirlwind tour of the city starting with the famous Japantown Cherry Blossom Festival. Due to security concerns agents did not notify festival organizers of the Bunny’s visit, and while children were mostly delighted by the presence of the Bunny, festival security officials were not.

After being escorted from the festival area, the Bunny toured the famously winding Lombard street followed by Chinatown, where the sacred rabbit was met by complete befuddlement. The Bunny then toured the heavily touristed Powell Street cable car turnaround and made a surprise visit to Ike’s sandwich shop in the Castro before arriving at Dolores Park for the Sister’s of Perpetual Indulgence 30th Anniversary event.

A Santa’s Little Secret Service location team had already secured the park and provided critical additional security to monitor the 10,000 onlookers. With the security detail in full force, the Bunny appeared on stage at the end of the Sister’s event. After the Bunny’s on stage appearance, the sacred rabbit was escorted back to the waiting motorcade. Highly cooperative and professional officers from SFPD cleared Dolores street for the Bunny’s motorcade. The Easter Bunny then led the Sister’s of Perpetual Indulgence 30th Anniversary Parade to the Castro.

The Security Detail stays close to COTTONTAIL during the Sisters' Parade

The Service would like to thank the highly professional and selfless Agents, the indefatigable Bunny, and the embedded press officer Ed Hunsinger. The Service would also like to extend its appreciation to our colleagues in the San Francisco Police Department for providing courteous and efficient cooperation, as well as the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence for inviting the Bunny to their event and parade.

The Office of the Santa and the Principality of the Sacred Rabbit of Easter are deeply disturbed, however, by the unfriendly conduct of Cherry Blossom Festival staff and demand a full apology from organizers and the Emperor of Japan without delay.

PHOTOS
Our press corps officer, Ed Hunsinger, took nearly 600 photos throughout the day and has posted the highlights.

Friend of the Service, Charles Lyons, also took some excellent photos of the parade.

VIDEO
The press corps officer also recording these harrowing short videos throughout the day.

Announcing the Public Information Blog

Published April 15, 2009 Message to the Public Leave a Comment

Detail Commander Partridge on assignment in 2007

This weblog is the official source of public information regarding Santa’s Little Secret Service. The agency traces its roots to the third century A.D. during the time of St. Nicholas. The modern-day Service is an elite world-renowned security organization operating throughout the globe 24 hours a day. Reporting directly to the Office of the Santa, the Service is entrusted with the personal safety of Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, other North Pole High-Value Persons, and special diplomatic guests of the Santa.

The Service has always been shrouded in secrecy. But due to new sunshine regulations announced by the Office of the Santa, the service will be providing periodic updates to the public through this website.