What is “Christmas Certainty?”


Agents of Santa’s Little Secret Service ensuring Christmas Certainty. Photo by Mitch Aidelbaum photography

Due to a number of inquiries the Service has agreed to discuss a core North Pole tenet: Christmas Certainty.

Christmas Certainty: Santa’s Sacred Responsibility
The annual nature of Christmas does not account for wars, no fly zones, natural disasters, or other world events that might impede the safe and timely occurrence of the holiday. And yet, for two millenia, Christmas has occurred without interruption. This is no accident: over the years an extensive North Pole infrastructure has been developed to ensure that despite any conceivable problem, Christmas will occur each and every year. This critical aspect of Christmas operations is what we call “Christmas Certainty.”

The Elvish Agencies
A number of key agencies in the North Pole work to ensure Christmas Certainty. The Elves, with their penchant for bureaucracy, established the Christmas Operations Directorate (COD) which oversees all Elvish Christmas Certainty efforts. A large part of the COD is logistics: gift fulfillment, coal disbursement, complex supply chains and the like. But safety and security are no less important, and for this the Elves founded the Bureau of Special Christmas Operations (BOSCO), an umbrella agency that includes Santa’s Little Secret Service and several other Elvish security and intelligence organizations. They ensure the personal security of the Santa and provide intelligence critical to Christmas Certainty operations.

Plan B: Santa’s Defense Forces
Sometimes Christmas Certainty requires more than security and logistical support. The North Pole is politically neutral and avoids conflict as a matter of course; but when quiet diplomacy fails the Santa may resort to a military option: Santa’s Defense Force (SDF.) The SDF is divided into two commands: Nutcracker Command (NutCom) and Reindeer Command (ReinCom), encompassing both land and air forces respectively. The Nutcracker soldiers in Santa’s regiments are highly trained and fiercely loyal to the Santa. They specialize in precision ground operations occurring mainly during the yearly Christmas Operational Window. The most elite unit is the legendary 12th Nutcracker Regiment, Santa’s personal guard and a highly mobile special forces unit in its own right. The Nutcrackers of the so-called “12th Nut” are hand-picked from NutCom and are always ready to deploy when the Santa or his interests are in danger. The fighting Reindeer of ReinCom are organized into Santa’s aerial sleigh squadrons including the 1st Sleigh Squadron, Santa’s elite personal sleigh transport unit. Lesser known are the combat units, including the 99th Sleigh Attack Squadron and the highly mobile air assault unit, the 103rd Sleighborne Regiment.

The Last Resort: Santa’s Scalpel
The increasing complexity of world politics has necessitated a third facet of Christmas Certainty: highly secretive North Pole special forces units. Specializing in delicate intelligence and direct action operations on foreign soil, these units are the unseen hand of the Santa and are widely speculated to be the main reason for the continued celebration of Christmas in territories where the holiday is officially condemned by religious or secular leaders.

The Santa does not comment publicly on these units or their operations–and likely never will. Reports circulated amongst various security officials throughout the world of a black operations unit made up entirely of Sugar Plum Fairies are unsubstantiated.

Christmas IS Coming
The extensive infrastructure and expertise devoted to Christmas Certainty should reassure the general public: even in dangerous times, Christmas is coming. You can be certain of it.

Agent Partridge
Santa’s Little Secret Service

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About EDW Lynch

EDW Lynch is one of the Bay Area's top 5 Humanitarians under 30.
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