The Santa made a special pre-Christmas visit to San Francisco on December 10, accompanied as always by Santa’s security forces. The security operation was codenamed Operation Polar Thunder.

The Santa started his tour with a visit City Hall, where Santas were congregating for the annual Santacon event. The Santa then made his way to Union Square, and ultimately the Ferry Building, greeting well-wishers along the way.

The Santa was accompanied by a Santa’s Little Secret Service security detail, as well as an elf from Santa’s Little Intelligence Support Team (LIST.) Additional security was provided by an elite team of Sugar Plum Service (SPS) fairy operators and some Elvish friends of Santa who joined the operation in a strictly unofficial capacity. Rumors of the presence of Special Gifting Group (SPECGIFT) operatives were vigorously denied by the Office of the Santa.

The Santa’s visit was documented by his intrepid press corps: Zack Lara, Sonya Yu, and Shalaco. For more photos see the official Operation Polar Thunder Photo Gallery and the Santa’s Little Secret Service & Santa’s Defense Forces Photo Pool.

Santa’s Defense Forces rely on a unique candy cane-based weapon system to protect Santa and Christmas from harm. The core of the system is the Candy Cane Carbine (C3), a modular candy cane small arm that can be tailored to a variety of applications. For more serious threats to Santa, especially those hardened against small arms fire, there is the weapon of last resort, the Mark 12 Tenenbaum Launcher.

photo by Der Dunn

During the Easter Bunny’s state visit to San Francisco on Easter Sunday, an overzealous fan “aggressively hugged” the Sacred Rabbit (video), necessitating a quick response by Santa’s Little Secret Service agents. Detail Commander EDW Lynch assures the public that during the inappropriately long 4.5 second hug, the Easter Bunny was never in real danger. Agents were on hand thanks to a longstanding security agreement between the Easter Bunny and the North Pole. The diplomatic security mission codename was Operation Trojan Rabbit.

See the Official Photo Gallery of Operation Trojan Rabbit and our Flickr group for more photos. For info on the Easter Bunny’s 2009 San Francisco visit, an elaborate security motorcade and parade, see the report on Operation Enduring Cottontail.

photo by SFRichardT

The Sacred Rabbit (codename: COTTONTAIL) took a brief tour of the city before arriving, under full security (video), at the 2011 Bring Your Own Big Wheel Race. The Bunny met its adoring public, walked the race course (where the hugging attack occurred), and then waved the checkered flag at the finish line.

photo by Jing Jie

A Fast Action Response Team of agents armed with Hare Armaments DK-97 60mm Assault Daikon were luckily unnecessary, thanks to the extensive preparedness of Santa’s Little Secret Service.

The Public Information Office of Santa’s Little Secret Service has authorized the release of “Christmas is Certain,” a public service announcement about Santa’s safety and the certainty of Christmas.

We wish you a safe and secure Chrismas Operational Window.

Capt. EDW Pine Nut
12th Nutcracker Regiment
Santa’s Defense Forces

The first-ever deployment of Sleigh One to San Francisco. Photo cc Sally McIntyre

Santa Claus prides himself on his ability to move freely about the world to undertake Christmas operations. The most visible symbol of Santa’s Christmas mobility is Sleigh One, his highly advanced personal transport. So it was only fitting that the Santa decided to bring Sleigh One to San Francisco’s Santacon, now in its 17th year of santarchy.

As soon as the Office of the Santa added Santacon to its pre-Christmas Operational Window tour, Santa’s helpers mobilized to make the trip a safe and successful one. Such high profile visits by the Santa require multiple layers of security, so the elves of the Bureau of Special Christmas Operations, and the fighting reindeer, nutcrackers, and sugar plum fairies of Santa’s Defense Forces formed a joint task force to protect the Santa and Sleigh One. The mission was code-named: Operation Chimney Sweep.

View the official Operation Chimney Sweep photo gallery. All photos of Santa’s Little Secret Service and Santa’s Defense Forces can be found in our Flickr photo documentation pool.

MISSION REPORT
The goals of Operation Chimney Sweep:

• Provide 360 degree protection of Sleigh One and the Santa
• Sweep for enemies of Santa, “Beards” (fake Santas), and suspicious gifts
• Liaise with the public and local authorities to ensure Christmas cheer
• Guarantee Christmas certainty at all costs

Santa’s Elves
Photo cc Steve Rhodes
Sleigh One never travels without an extensive security umbrella and Operation Chimney Sweep was no exception. Santa’s elves fielded two security elements from the Bureau of Special Christmas Operations. Santa’s Little Secret Service deployed a close protection detail of elite elvish bodyguards to protect both the Santa and his sleigh. Santa’s Little Intelligence Support Team (LIST) provided elf operatives trained in naughty/nice interrogation and identification of enemies of Christmas.

Santa’s Defense Forces

Santa's Defense Forces in action, Civic Center Plaza. Photo cc Sally McIntyre

Santa’s military deployed elements of three separate units. The 103rd Sleighborne Regiment deered Sleigh One, under the leadership of Lieutenant General “Olive” Cramer.

Lt. General Cramer and the 103rd Sleighborne Regiment. Photo cc Zachary Lara

The illustrious 12th Nutcracker regiment maintained perimeter security for Sleigh One with an assault squad of heavily armed Nutcracker soldiers. Despite rumors to the contrary, the Santa vigorously denies that any sugar plum fairies perform combat roles for the north pole. The quartet of Sugar Plum Service fairies present at Operation Chimney Sweep were simply serving an advisory role and assisting in the reeducation of enemies of Santa.

Action
At 1230hrs on December 4, Sleigh One arrived outside City Hall to much fanfare. The phalanx of security was tested almost immediately when a suspicious present was spotted and defused by the Sugar Plum Service.
Photo by The Project FC used with permission

Sleigh One then proceeded without incident up Polk Street and then to Union Square for community relations operations.

Mrs. Claus meets her constituents as Capt. EDW Pine Nut and elf agents stand guard. Photo cc Sally McIntyre

Ground troops and Elvish agents then performed a surprise security sweep of the Upper Market corridor including a special operations strike against Molotov’s Bar. Operation Chimney Sweep was a resounding success and a triumph of inter-service cooperation by Santa’s security forces. Sleigh One and Santa’s helpers are now deployed around the world as part of Christmas Operational Window 2010.

Santa’s security forces receive commendation for meritorious duty. Photo cc Zachary Lara

Credits
Zachary Lara and Sally McIntyre served as embedded press photographers for Operation Chimney Sweep.
The 103rd Sleighborne was led by Lt. General “Olive” Cramer. Sergeant Reindeer “Dasher” Nash and Master Chief “Comet” Koster oversaw construction and armament of Sleigh One.
The Santa thanks all personnel for their professionalism and commitment to Christmas certainty.
For more information contact info@santaslittlesecretservice.org

SAN FRANCISCO–The Office of the Santa has not yet officially responded to reports that the North Pole deployed a large combined military and elfish security task force at Saturday’s San Francisco Santacon. However, officials in Santa’s Defense Forces have confirmed that Santa’s Sleigh One was deployed in the Central West Coast region during that time period, and that elements of the 12th Nutcracker Regiment, 103rd Sleighborne Division, and “additional kinetic cheer enforcement units” were also in attendance. The Bureau of Special Christmas Operations, which oversees Santa’s Elvish security and intelligence agencies has no comment at this time due to “holiday security concerns.”

The Public Information Office of Santa’s Little Secret Service is expected to provide a full report on the rumoured task force later this week. For more information contact Santa’s Little Secret Service: info AT santaslittlesecretservice.org

12th Nutcracker soldiers in action, San Francisco. Photo by Green Kozi

In years past, Santa’s Little Secret Service has provided security for San Francisco’s Santacon. However in the Fall of 2009, Santa’s Little Intelligence Support Team (LIST) detected alarming signal intelligence from Santa’s enemies indicating an extreme security risk to the Santa during his annual visit to San Francisco. Following standard North Pole protocol for situations of extreme danger, the Bureau of Special Christmas Operations handed over security responsibilities to Santa’s Defense Forces.

Santa’s Nutcracker Command (NutCom) mustered a Christmas expeditionary force under the command of Captain EDW Pine Nut of the illustrious 12th Nutcracker Regiment.

The Christmas Expeditionary force:

Capt. EDW Pine Nut of the 12th Nutcracker. The elite "12th Nut" is Santa's personal bodyguard detachment and provides both ceremonial and combat support to the Santa. Photo by Ed Hunsinger

Reindeer Command (ReinCom) provided a Sleigh Liaison Officer from the 103rd Sleighborne Division to ensure close cooperation with air assault and sleighvac units as needed. Photo by Ed Hunsinger

The Joint Christmas Certainty Command (J-CCC), which oversees the Santa's special forces units, embedded fairy operators from the North Pole's most elite and secretive unit, the mysterious Sugar Plum Service (SPS.) Photo by Steve Rhodes

The orders for Operation Yule Storm:

• Ensure Christmas Certainty
• Provide escort and close protection detail for the Santa and other North Pole High Value Persons
• Liaise as needed with local officials and tribal leaders
• engage in “hearts and minds” campaign with civilians, while searching for the enemies of the Santa
• subject enemies of the Santa to extraordinary rendition
• coordinate close sleigh support and sleighvac as required
• fire only if fired upon

Numbering 16 Nutcrackers, Reindeer, and Sugar Plum Fairies, the Operation Yule Storm force deployed at the start of San Francisco’s Santacon at 1212 hrs in Civic Center Plaza. Despite a harrowing rainstorm, the SDF units escorted Santa downtown to Union Square without incident. While the 12th Nutcracker performed escort duties, SPS fairy operators undertook special missions including interrogating civilians, light extraordinary rendition, and close protection of VIPs such as Jesus and Frank Chu.

SPS and 12th Nutcracker soldiers provide close protection for Jesus, Civic Center Plaza. Photo by Ed Hunsinger

The SDF units were armed with the 3C modular weapons system–a family of candy cane-based small arms ranging from the CCP candy cane pistol to the awe-inspiring CCSW candy cane support weapon.  Strict rules of engagement and the professionalism of Santa’s troops prevented any live fire incidents, even during the course of bomb attacks by the Unicorn Bomber (defused successfully by SPS fairy operators.)

12th Nutcracker troops in the Castro Santa Safe Zone. Photo by Ed Hunsinger

In the afternoon, the Christmas expeditionary force deployed in the Castro, forming a Santa Safe Zone on the corner of Market and Castro streets (video by embedded press Ed Hunsinger.)  12th Nut and SPS combined squads deployed outside the safe zone to escort small groups of Santa safely into the Castro. At around 1600 hrs SPS fairy operators detected and forcibly detained the Unicorn Bomber in the first failed bombing attempt at Santacon.

As night fell, SPS fairy operators switched on night vision goggles and Operation Yule Storm forces escorted a group of about 50 Santa to the Lower Haight Drink Inclusion Zone.

12th Nutcracker soldiers provide perimeter security as Santa moves toward Lower Haight. Photo by Zachary Lara

On the way, Santa’s troops briefly occupied a Christmas Tree Lot on Market Street, but were unable to find evidence of illicit tree trafficking or other tree crimes. The Santa wishes to extend apologies to Delancey Street Tree Lot for “light extraordinary rendition and ornament grenade blasts.”

After successfully escorting Santa to the Lower Haight Drink Inclusion Zone, Operation Yule Storm officially came to a close. All mission goals were met or exceeded by Santa’s Defense Forces and Santa’s enemies were effectively neutralized. As the Christmas Operational Window approaches, soldiers of the 12th Nutcracker, 103rd Sleighborne, and Sugar Plum Service are hard at work around the world ensuring Christmas Certainty and the safety and security of the Santa. Their duty is a necessary evil and they fight for nothing less than Christmas itself.

The Operation Yule Storm photo gallery.  The rest of the photos.

UPDATE: Recently declassified black and white photography of Santa’s Defense Forces in action

The Santa extends special thanks to the embedded press corps: Ed Hunsinger, Zachary Lara, and Tomas Puig

The Operation Yule Storm Christmas expeditionary force. Photo by Ed Hunsinger

Soldiers of the 12th Nutcracker regiment and unspecified additional personnel in action. Photo by Steve Rhodes

The Santa has, as yet, not addressed persistent rumors by international observers and military experts that a secret special operations unit made up of Sugar Plum fairies was also present in San Francisco.

Photo documentation of Operation Yule Storm can be found on the Santa’s Little Secret Service photo pool. The Bureau of Special Christmas Operations has indicated further details will be forthcoming. The US State Department, citing a longstanding and informal agreement with the Santa, has declined to comment on the deployment of North Pole forces on United States territory.

Christmas Certainty: Santa’s Sacred Responsibility
The annual nature of Christmas does not account for wars, no fly zones, natural disasters, or other world events that might impede the safe and timely occurrence of the holiday. And yet, for two millenia, Christmas has occurred without interruption. This is no accident: over the years an extensive North Pole infrastructure has been developed to ensure that despite any conceivable problem, Christmas will occur each and every year. This critical aspect of Christmas operations is what we call “Christmas Certainty.”

The Elvish Agencies
A number of key agencies in the North Pole work to ensure Christmas Certainty. The Elves, with their penchant for bureaucracy, established the Christmas Operations Directorate (COD) which oversees all Elvish Christmas Certainty efforts. A large part of the COD is logistics: gift fulfillment, coal disbursement, complex supply chains and the like. But safety and security are no less important, and for this the Elves founded the Bureau of Special Christmas Operations (BOSCO), an umbrella agency that includes Santa’s Little Secret Service and several other Elvish security and intelligence organizations. They ensure the personal security of the Santa and provide intelligence critical to Christmas Certainty operations.

Plan B: Santa’s Defense Forces
Sometimes Christmas Certainty requires more than security and logistical support. The North Pole is politically neutral and avoids conflict as a matter of course; but when quiet diplomacy fails the Santa may resort to a military option: Santa’s Defense Force (SDF.) The SDF is divided into two commands: Nutcracker Command (NutCom) and Reindeer Command (ReinCom), encompassing both land and air forces respectively. The Nutcracker soldiers in Santa’s regiments are highly trained and fiercely loyal to the Santa. They specialize in precision ground operations occurring mainly during the yearly Christmas Operational Window. The most elite unit is the legendary 12th Nutcracker Regiment, Santa’s personal guard and a highly mobile special forces unit in its own right. The Nutcrackers of the so-called “12th Nut” are hand-picked from NutCom and are always ready to deploy when the Santa or his interests are in danger. The fighting Reindeer of ReinCom are organized into Santa’s aerial sleigh squadrons including the 1st Sleigh Squadron, Santa’s elite personal sleigh transport unit. Lesser known are the combat units, including the 99th Sleigh Attack Squadron and the highly mobile air assault unit, the 103rd Sleighborne Regiment.

The Last Resort: Santa’s Scalpel
The increasing complexity of world politics has necessitated a third facet of Christmas Certainty: highly secretive North Pole special forces units. Specializing in delicate intelligence and direct action operations on foreign soil, these units are the unseen hand of the Santa and are widely speculated to be the main reason for the continued celebration of Christmas in territories where the holiday is officially condemned by religious or secular leaders.

The Santa does not comment publicly on these units or their operations–and likely never will. Reports circulated amongst various security officials throughout the world of a black operations unit made up entirely of Sugar Plum Fairies are unsubstantiated.

Christmas IS Coming
The extensive infrastructure and expertise devoted to Christmas Certainty should reassure the general public: even in dangerous times, Christmas is coming. You can be certain of it.

Agent Partridge
Santa’s Little Secret Service